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Sometimes I really hate my health. I’m not just talking about my physical health here, though that’s acted up this week as well, but mental health too. This week I have only attended dance class and done absolutely no other exercise. I had planned to go running today, but it’s so much wind that I know it’ll be a struggle from start to finish. I don’t want to ruin my Sunday by getting frustrated and angry with myself. Tomorrow’s dancing, and my running program starts on Tuesday, so perhaps I’ll be nice to myself and do one of my workout videos or barre instead.

On Monday we worked on our figure dance in dance class. My brain was on strike from the first minute of it, and I had a mental breakdown before we even got started. I’ve been ridiculously stressed this week, and I don’t know why. It got better further into the class, but still.

On Thursday there was a new dance class. The beginner’s class went fine, as I’m not a student there but helped a new dancer with her steps. My own class… not so much. I did learn a new dance, but I just couldn’t piece together the rhythm and when I was supposed to dance it to music… well, it was about three times faster than the fastest speed I had managed when practicing it, and so I couldn’t even do a tiny fraction of it. I did remember my slipjig (at least the lead), so that was good, but I didn’t leave class with a good feeling. I was stressed out on Thursday too, because I had three translations to do and very little time to do them, but I wish I was able not to let it affect me so much.

Logically I know it’s because it’s winter and I’m not taking antidepressiva any longer. Also I haven’t been good at doing the mental exercises I know I need to do, I haven’t exercised outside of dance class, my diet’s been really bad (well, not so bad this week, actually, so I can’t use that excuse this time), I’ve felt like crap because I haven’t been able to stay away from soda and snacks, and I’ve had far too much on my plate. And because I’m so stressed and tired, I don’t eat well (my food habits are horrible when I’m not feeling well), I feel too tired to exercise so I become even more tired, and things just spiral out of control.

I know I need to take charge now and change it, but I haven’t been able to so far. It says a lot that I’ve considered my dance classes a failure even if I should see it as a victory that I’ve attended both classes even if I’ve been tired and stressed and frustrated and in pain and whatnot. It’s not that long ago since I would have stayed home and ignored the entire world.

Frankly I don’t have reason to be stressed. I’m ahead of schedule on my writing. I’m way ahead of schedule in my studies, since I’ve read the entire curriculum, finished the latest mandatory assignment a month before the deadline and feel tentatively confident. I’m relatively on track at work. I have planned my lessons for next week. My apartment isn’t squeaky clean, but it isn’t messy either. Well, apart from my desk, but still. I haven’t been secluded in my apartment either. I met a writing friend of mine yesterday, and went to Starbucks with another on Tuesday. Then I saw my dancing friends in dance class on Monday and Thursday. I think that’s quite reasonable, given that I had a lot I needed to get done. And everything important did get done. So at this moment there is absolutely no reason to be stressed. (Do you hear that, self?)

Of course it’s hard to exercise and eat healthy foods instead of snacks when your insides feel like they’re trying to kill you. But that’s perhaps a reason to accept that life’s sometimes like that, and not feel bad about it. Believe me when I say that feeling bad about it only makes everything worse, especially when you’re a comfort eater, because then you suddenly have another reason to need to be comforted.

This got pretty long for a short update, but I’m aiming for a more positive update next week. I started a new training program on polarpersonaltrainer.com, since it syncs with my heart rate monitor, so I’ll keep you updated how it goes!

Have a wonderful Sunday!

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